A few years back, I was cleaning some bluegills after a nice day of fishing with our three boys. It was late, we were hungry, and I was struggling to get good fillets for dinner as my knife was dull. Rather than fight it and mess up more fillets, I took some time to sharpen my knife. It made a huge difference as I was able to get all the meat and not waste any. Cleaning these fish reminded me of how I’ve seen people struggle with interpersonal communication, including myself. When faced with a difficult communication task, our tendency is to avoid taking time to do what we know needs to be done. This results in unnecessary stress when we could be resolving the issue by talking directly to the person.

Researchers show that most relational problems are the result of poor communication citing underlying beliefs such as: I don’t have time to deal with it. It’s not that important. No one really cares. It’s their problem, not mine. These are only excuses for the real root cause. It’s one thing to point the finger of blame at someone and another to accept the fact that the problem might have started with me. Blaming is a copout but accepting responsibility for our words and actions takes real courage.

Solvable problems are situational issues that go away. For example, deciding who pays the bills or where to go out to eat. Unsolvable problems, on the other hand, are about relational (often uncomfortable) issues that linger. For example, deciding who gets the kids or dealing with long-term financial issues. Situational problems are easy to fix; take an aspirin for a headache and it goes away. Many try to fix relational issues the same way. However, relational problems require a more direct, assertive approach that cuts to the core.

On the surface, most of us look fine. There appear to be no problems; conversations are pleasant, smiles abound. But on the inside, all is not well. Matthew 15:18 states the root of relational problems “come forth from the heart,” not the head. Rather than deal with the conflict, we like to take the easy route and blame someone else, say “I’m right” or just avoid the problem altogether. Typically, when faced with discord, we prefer to talk about the other person, not to them. It’s less work. On the other hand, Warren Wiersbe maintains, “We usually learn more by disagreeing and ‘speaking the truth in love’ than by giving in and refusing to say what we really think.”   

Real solutions to relational conflicts go beyond a mere exchange of words. It takes thoughtful action and humility to confront issues in love and with “a soft answer” (Proverbs 15:1). Avoiding conflict or pretending it will go away is like trying to use a dull knife to fillet a fish. It just won’t cut it. When iron is sharpened, two things are required: persistent, careful effort and another hard surface, such as steel or stone. The friction between the two removes imperfections that makes the edge of the blade more useful. Similarly, relational problems need a concerted effort to sharpen and provide constructive comments from the heart to lovingly challenge and encourage. So, when a conflict arises, don’t shy away from the problem, remain immobile, worried, or on edge for the sake of preserving harmony. Instead, courageously confront the problem. Move toward it head-on as you pray about it and seek wise counsel. Sharpen your edge and that of your friend and let the truth in love set you free.

“Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.” ~ Proverbs 27:17